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Tuesday 19 February 2013
Monday 18 February 2013
America's Number One Problem
Nowhere is this more apparent than in the state of the family. The biblical values that built our great nation-once passed on from each generation to the next as a national treasure-are now dismissed. As a result, never before have we seen such deterioration in our homes:
Never before have so many children grown up in broken homes.
Never before have so many new married couples come from homes split by divorce.
Never before have so many new parents begun the journey of being called "Mommy" or "Daddy" with such a fractured picture of family.
Never before has the definition of marriage been altered to allow for two people of the same sex.
Never before have our prisons been so full of men who grew up in homes where their fathers were absent.
Never before has the Christian family been so secularized.
Never before has the marriage covenant been viewed with such contempt by a generation of young people.
Never before have parents been ridiculed for seeking to raise children with biblical values.
Never before has it been so culturally unfriendly to be a family with convictions, standards, and boundaries.
Never before have so many Christians laughed, shrugged their shoulders, or done nothing about adultery, divorce, and sin.
Never before have so many been so silent.
Never before has materialism been so flagrantly embraced over relationships.
Never before have we needed enduring models of how to live out a marriage covenant.
Never before has the family been in such need of a new legacy.
The spiritual reformation of America needs a focal point, a rallying cry. I believe this focal point is the family. The pivotal national issue today is not crime; neither is it welfare, health care, education, politics, the economy, the media, or the environment. The issue today is the spiritual and moral condition of individual families.
Perhaps you, too, have lamented the degenerating state of our nation's families. But like many, you have felt a sense of hopelessness--that our culture is sliding downhill and there's nothing you can do about it.
But you are wrong. You may not realize it, but you-and millions of ordinary people like you-are the key to reforming this country.
I am convinced, as never before, that we need a spiritual reformation in this country. And that reformation must begin--can only begin--with individuals. With me. With you.
Nations are never changed until people are changed. The true hope for genuine change in the heart lies only in the life-changing power of Jesus Christ. Through Him, lives can be rebuilt. Through Him, families can be reformed. Through Him, society can be restored.
It's time for this generation to make a stand for the family. I would like to challenge you to consider two things:
First, determine what type of legacy you want to pass on to your children. How will your children remember you? As a man or woman who was concerned with the things of this world, or someone who modeled a life-changing faith in Jesus Christ?
Second, determine to become part of a generation that makes a dramatic commitment to rebuild the family. The time has come for this generation to draw a line in the sand that will not be crossed, to build a wall around the family that will not be breached.
My prayer is that God will work in your heart and give you the courage and strength to leave a true, lasting legacy in your home and in our nation.
Article Source by : http://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/life-issues/challenges/cultural-issues/americas-number-one-problem#.USIJnlfMG1t
Saturday 16 February 2013
Myths About Sex After 40
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Forty may be the new 30, but considering the misconceptions about women's sexuality and desirability after a "certain age," you'd think 40 was the new 80! Whether you blame advertising portrayals of what's "sexy" (Victoria's Secret models, anyone?), or the fact that leading TV and movie roles turn more to the matronly than the hot as actresses age, myths about a more mature women's sexuality abound. "We silently believe that only young people have sex," says Maureen McGrath, RN, a sex-health educator and radio host. But that couldn't be further from the truth. Here, eight myths we're happy to dispel for you.
Myth 1: You don't need sex as you get older.
Truth: It's hard to redefine what the need for sex is after you're done baby-making. And sure, you won't die without sex; it's not food or water. But that doesn't mean you need it any less than other things that bring joy, satisfaction and better emotional and physical health. "Sex gets blood flowing, which brings nutrients to all parts of your body and eliminates waste. Heart pumping, deep breathing—it's all good for you," says Carmella Sebastian, MD, a women's wellness and sexuality expert.
Myth 2: Those extra pounds make you undesirable.
Truth: Repeat after us: Enjoying sex isn't about how you look, but how you feel. "You can have inner confidence at any weight," says McGrath. That said, if you're not feeling your best, go for a brisk, 30-minute walk with your partner rather than have another helping of pasta at dinner. And try to quash that inner monologue that's telling you men don't find less-than-perfect bodies sexy. Ask any guy: If the woman who shares his bed gets naked, he's not seeing a muffin top and cellulite. He's seeing naked. If you're single now and worried that a new lover won't find you desirable, forget that too. "Your lumps, bumps and wrinkles mean nothing to 99% of men over 40," says Bobbi Palmer, founder and CEO of Date Like a Grownup. "What you lack in firmness you more than make up in humor, compassion and experience. Plus, you know your body better than you ever did in your 20s." All those years living in your skin has taught you what turns you on that you just didn't know two decades ago. And what's sexier to a man than a woman who knows what she wants in bed?
Myth 3: Your body isn't sexual once you enter perimenopause.
Truth: The changes that occur in the (sometimes) years before menopause, such as irregular periods, mood changes and lack of vaginal lubrication will affect your sex life. But a changing body is still a sexual body, says Dr. Sebastian, and recognizing that is important. Avoiding sexual activity may only worsen things. Take dryness: Using a lubricant such as KY Jelly helps, but so does the act of having sex: "When blood goes to the genitals, the tissues remain healthy," encouraging natural lubrication. Hot flashes and fatigue associated with perimenopause can wreak havoc on your energy levels, says McGrath, so talk to your doctor about possible hormonal remedies. And look on the bright side: This can be a time of experimentation and freedom with sex that you didn't have when young kids were underfoot. "Introduce a vibrator, experiment with self-stimulation, try new positions," suggests McGrath.
Myth 4: You're too tired for sex.
Truth: This one persists for good reason—it makes sense that you'd be more worn-out now than you were 20 years ago. But it's more likely that "I'm too tired" is an excuse to avoid sex. Being chronically out of energy can trigger a sex drive dip, so ask your doctor to check your thyroid levels and test you for anemia, says McGrath. And look at your lifestyle: Maybe you need to pare down your commitments and get better sleep by regulating your bedtime and removing un-sexy (and rest-interfering) TVs and computers from your bedroom. Other than that, "don't wait to have sex until the end of the day when you're exhausted," says Dr. Sebastian. If you're a morning person, try a little wake-up nookie, or if possible, a bit of afternoon delight.
Myth 5: You don't have to worry about birth control.
Truth: Tell that to the legion of late-life moms toting their beloved "oops" babies! "It's hard to know exactly when you'll stop ovulating, even if you're in the middle of perimenopause," says Dr. Sebastian. "To check when you can skip protection, your doctor can do a blood test." The level of follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) in your blood can reveal whether you're still fertile, but levels fluctuate during perimenopause, so even a low FSH level may be misleading. That's why it's better to be safe than sorry. Menopause isn't official until you've gone a full year without a period, says McGrath. In a new relationship? You still have to protect against sexually transmitted diseases, so use condoms until you're sure about your partner's past.
Myth 6: It's normal for sex drive to drop as you age.
Truth: Actually, it may be the opposite. "It's more likely for younger women to experience dips in libido," says McGrath, probably thanks to the hormonal upheavals of pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding and dealing with young children. So if you have little or no desire for any kind of sex—even with George Clooney in your fantasies—see your doctor to be sure you don't have a medical condition, such as thyroid issues or certain cancers, says Dr. Sebastian. Beyond that, libido has a lot to do with how easily you can talk to your partner, and how bothered either of you is by how often you have sex. For one couple, once a month feels fine, whereas for others three times a week is practically nothing. "Figure out how much sex is enough before you decide you have a libido problem," says McGrath.
Myth 7: Things that once turned you on no longer work because of your age.
Truth: "This is more a fact of a long relationship than aging," says McGrath. You might be bored or in a rut (and so might your man), so address it as soon as possible, advises Dr. Sebastian. Get a video, buy a book, shake things up. Have a whole range of moves in your sexual arsenal because different things turn you on not just in different stages of life but on different days!
Myth 8: If I've never had great orgasms, it's too late now.
Truth: This is easy to debunk, says Dr. Sebastian, who admits, "I was never multi-orgasmic until after I had my second child." She attributes the change to a newfound sense of self-confidence, an ability to start asking for what she wanted in bed. Are you stressed? Did you have a fight with your spouse? Did you recently get a promotion at work and are feeling good about yourself? These all can affect your ability to climax. It's never too late to explore what turns you on, says McGrath. "People think they're born knowing how to be a great lover, but it has to be learned."
4 Ways to Strengthen Your Marriage
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Get closer to your spouse with tips from Alisa Bowman, author of Project: Happily Ever After.
1. Have a connection routine. Take a walk and chat about your day. Sharing little details makes it easier to discuss important stuff.
2. Turn annoyances into shared experiences. "I used to call my husband's bicycle 'the other woman,'" explains Alisa. "But taking
an interest in his hobby gave us more to talk about."
3. Write—don't fight. Put your feelings down on paper first. It helps you think through your anger.
4. Give praise publicly. "I update my Facebook status with nice things my husband's done for me," she says. "It makes us feel like a team."
7 Divorce Myths—Debunked!
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Nobody wants to get divorced, but those statistics that get passed around make it seem like it's an almost inevitable consequence of getting married. Breathe easy, brides. Truth is less grim than fiction here. From that ominous 50% divorce rate to pre-wedding cohabitation's effect on marriage, read on as experts clarify the seven most popular misconceptions about splitting up.
Myth #1: One in two marriages ends in divorce.
Whether you and your partner have been dating since childhood or had a whirlwind romance, chances are you've been (or will be) warned about the dreaded 50% statistic. So are your chances for a happily ever after really that mediocre? Not exactly. In fact, the divorce rate has been steadily decreasing since the 1980s, according to the National Marriage Project. A more accurate divorce rate for American marriages ranges from 40% to 50%. And keep in mind: This factors in people who marry over and over again which drives up the rate. Plus, your own guy isn't likely to file for divorce. Mara Opperman, relationship etiquette expert and co-founder of I Do, Now I Don't, reveals that women initiate about two-thirds of all divorces.
Myth #2: Living together before marriage lowers the chance of divorce.
This fable's popularity may be connected to the fact that it makes sense. Doesn't shacking up before "I do" better prepare you to live with someone after the wedding? Actually, the circumstances under which you decide to move in together make all the difference, says Tina B. Tessina, PhD, author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage. If cohabitation occurs out of necessity (say, your partner lost his job and can't afford to live on his own), the experience doesn't benefit the relationship. If you're considering moving in with a boyfriend, "do it carefully," suggests Dr. Tessina. "It can reduce the chance of divorce as long as it's done thoughtfully."
Myth #3: Second marriages are more likely to last than first marriages.
Again, this myth seems logical. After all, you'd learn a lot from a first marriage that you can apply to a second marriage. And wouldn't you be more cautious about agreeing to tie the knot again? Even though studies show slightly different rates, one thing's for sure—giving marriage another go definitely ups the chances of divorce. Roughly 67% to 80% of second marriages end in divorce, while third marriages crumble at an even higher rate, says Opperman. This could be because "divorce doesn't help us choose a better partner or be a better mate in our next relationship. Divorce teaches us how to divorce," says Wendy Walsh, PhD, CNN's relationship expert and author of The 30-Day Love Detox. In other words, if you already know how to get divorced, the more likely you see it as an option.
Myth #4: Divorce is incredibly expensive.
It's easy to fall for this when you constantly see headlines about your favorite once-married couple engaged in a "multi-million dollar divorce." Thankfully, those costly cases aren't the norm. As long as the two parties involved amicably agree on who gets what and don't head to court each time to make a decision, the fees are manageable, says Silvana D. Raso, a matrimonial and family law attorney for Schepisi & McLaughlin, who have offices in Englewood Cliffs, NJ, and New York City. Dr. Tessina adds that the entire bill can be less than $1,000. If the divorce isn't likely to go as smoothly, she and Raso suggest mediation as a more affordable route. "Conflict resolution is less expensive than conflict escalation," says Raso. Meaning: Litigation can be a long, drawn-out process, which can simultaneously heighten clashes and hike up charges, while mediation typically involves less time to reach a resolution, which translates to lower fees.
Myth #5: All ex-wives get alimony.
Alimony is money that one spouse is legally obligated to pay the other, either over time or in one lump sum, agreed upon at the time of the divorce. Its purpose is to provide either partner with the lifestyle he or she had throughout the marriage. As nice as an extra paycheck in the mail sounds, not all divorces involve alimony. As Raso explains, alimony is granted when one spouse, wife or husband, is financially dependent on the other. But alimony may not be granted even if the woman wasn't working during the marriage—if she has the skill set and physical ability to find a job that pays as well as her ex's. A vocational expert, who considers factors like her age and educational background, determines what that salary is likely to be. Another kind of spouse who may not receive alimony: one who wasn't married that long. Raso says, "The shorter the marriage, the less likely it is that one spouse became financially dependent on the other."
Myth #6: The mother almost always gets custody of the children.
This could be a widely held belief because so many people think that mothers should always get custody. Legally, though, that's not the case. Even if the mom is the child's primary caregiver throughout the marriage, both parents are "entitled to equal time with the kids," says Raso. The best interest of the child also could preclude a mom from gaining custody, says Dr. Tessina. If a judge doesn't deem that the mother meets the state's standards for being a fit parent, she won't be awarded primary custody. If both parents are fit to raise the child, they're typically granted shared custody.
Myth #7: The US's divorce rate is higher than every other country's.
Not true, but we're definitely up there on the list. According to the United Nations's Demographic Yearbook, the US has the sixth-highest divorce rate. Russia, Belarus, Ukraine, Moldova and the Cayman Islands take the top five spots in that order. As for the lowest rates, marriages in Sri Lanka, Brazil and Italy seem to stand the test of time, says Dr. Walsh. The longevity of relationships in those countries, though, isn't necessarily indicative of happier spouses. In some parts of the world, religion and financial stability motivate women to stay hitched.
The 10 Most Fascinating Marriage Findings of 2012
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Is there such a thing as a honeymoon phase? Is your marriage doomed if you despise your in-laws? Can husbands drive wives to drink? These questions and more were answered this year. WomansDay.com rounded up the 10 most interesting studies—and shocking results—of 2012. Take a look, and your own marriage just may benefit.
1. Getting cold feet may predict whether you'll get divorced. Pre-wedding jitters are pretty common. At least one partner in two-thirds of couples in a small Los Angeles–area study reported getting them. But that same study, published in the Journal of Family Psychology in September, found that both men and women who reported pre-wedding hesitation showed higher divorce rates, with 12% of couples with at least one once cold-footed spouse calling it quits before their four-year anniversary. The number's even more staggering when women are the ones who were nervous about getting married. Nineteen percent of them filed for divorce within four years of their weddings, making them two times more likely than doubt-free brides to split from their partners. The bottom line: Cold feet isn't a perfectly normal feeling. Listen to your gut, ladies!
2. Marriage drives women to drink more and men to drink less. Happily ever after can mean more happy hours for wives. According to a University of Cincinnati study released in August, a married woman sips about nine drinks per month compared to divorced women's 6.5. But husbands consume less than divorced men with 19 drinks a month compared to 22. Studies have proven that single men drink more than single women, so researchers suspect that women consume more to keep up with their spouses' drinking habits, while men cut back to match their mates. And once a marriage is over, divorced men and women may drink as much (or as little) as they imbibed in their pre-wedding days.
3. Marriage can help heart-surgery patients survive. Matrimony's marvelous for more matters of the heart than we thought. Published in the March issue of the Journal of Health and Social Behavior, research found people who underwent a coronary artery bypass while married were three times more likely than singles to be alive three months later—and 2.5 times more likely to survive five years post-op. The stronger and happier the marriage, the higher the chances women survived after surgery. (Men benefitted regardless of the state of their marriage.) Researchers think having a partner to support healthy lifestyle changes plays a big role in recovering.
4. Marriage proposals from men are preferred. It's rumored that Zsa Zsa Gabor, Britney Spears and Elizabeth Taylor have popped the question to the men in their lives. But researchers at the University of California don't necessarily think ladies should follow their lead. Not a single heterosexual college student in their small study, which made headlines in December, believed women should definitely ask men to marry them. On the other hand, two-thirds of the group agreed men should propose. Even at the relatively liberal university where the study was conducted, traditions seem to die hard, at least when it comes to marriage.
5. A good relationship with your in-laws may change your divorce odds. As long as both spouses get along with the other's family, you're set, right? Not the case, says researcher Terri Orbuch, PhD. When sons-in-law reported a good relationship with their wives' parents in Dr. Orbuch's 26-year-long study, which made headlines in November, the divorce rate was reduced by 20%. But wives who were friendly with their significant others' parents were 20% more likely to get divorced. Why? At a certain point, wives may view their in-laws' input as intrusive, says Dr. Orbuch. Meanwhile, husbands tend not to take anything personally. So setting boundaries with your in-laws and not appeasing them all the time may help your marriage last.
6. White married couples live longer than white unmarried partners who live together. Eating well and exercising does wonders for extending your life, and so might tying the knot for some people, according to the August issue of the Journal of Marriage and Family. Researchers at the University of Cincinnati discovered that Caucasian married couples' mortality rates are significantly lower—by 60% for men and 80% for women—compared to unmarried couples who cohabit. This isn't the case for African American couples, though. It could be because white couples generally don't view cohabitation as marriage, so their mortality rates are unaffected by living together. Conversely, black couples may deem cohabitation and marriage to be on the same level, allowing them to reap the health benefits of marriage before walking down the aisle. The study didn't look at interracial couples or couples of other races.
7. There's no such thing as a honeymoon phase. Are those first few years of matrimony the happiest? Probably not. The Australian Centre on Quality of Life released research in November which shows newlyweds aren't as content as commonly thought. When asked to rate their marital bliss from one to 100, couples married for one year gave an average rating of 73.9, while the numbers of couples married for four decades or more averaged 79.8. New couples may experience a "wedding hangover" when faced with the tough decisions and transitions of being husband and wife, says the study's lead author Melissa Weinberg, PhD. That could cause the lower happiness level. So it may be worth it to tough out those post-wedding blues since true bliss may be down the road.
8. Women close to divorcing work more hours. If your marriage is in trouble, you'd think the last thing you'd do is burn the midnight oil at the office. Well, the November 2012 edition of the European Economic Review released findings that revealed women clock an extra 12 minutes per week for every 1% increase in the risk of a marital breakdown. With divorce looming, women don't necessarily work longer hours to get their minds off things. Instead, lead researcher Berkay Özcan, PhD, explains it's a "form of insurance." In other words, they either want to make more money or further secure their positions at work, just in case they do end up divorcing their spouses and losing the income their partners bring in.
9. Married people are more likely to be employed. Having trouble getting a job? Getting hitched may help. Data in a November report from Insee, a national statistics institute in France, shows that almost 95% of married 30- to 54-year-olds are employed. Meanwhile, only 77% of single men and 78% of single women of the same age have jobs. Although many other factors contribute to unemployment, supporting a family is a strong incentive to secure a job.
10. Couples who share housework equally are more likely to divorce. Sad but possibly true: Splitting chores or leaving house tasks to husbands may up your chances of heading to Splitsville, according to a Norwegian study released in August. Couples who divvy up household duties are 50% more likely to divorce than couples in which the women do the bulk of the work. The rate goes up even higher the more men take on chores. Researchers remind that the findings shouldn't be interpreted to mean that couples shouldn't split housework equally. It's simply an implication that modern couples, who are more apt to share duties traditionally delegated to women, may not view marriage traditionally either, and are less fearful of divorcing.
10 Things Husbands Should Never Do
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Guys, we love you, we really do. But as wonderful as you are, every so often you do something that makes us want to jump out the nearest window (or push you out first). Please, please, don't ever…
1. Offer to "babysit" your own kids. When your 16-year-old neighbor does it, it's called babysitting. When a parent does it, it's called child care, and it lasts for at least 18 years. Get it?
2. Imply that office work is harder than housework. At the end of a hard day, there may be smoke coming out of your ears, but let's face it: You've basically been sitting on your butt. That same smoke is coming out of our ears too—but we've cleaned the house, shuttled the kids around, run errands all over town and lugged grocery bags besides. When we say we're exhausted, we are exhausted.
3. Give a home appliance as a gift. Forgive us if we can't work it up for this one. A new washing machine? Really? Can we get you some new snow tires?
4. Buy us the "cougar" perfume. Under our crew-neck sweaters may beat the heart of an untamed vixen—but most of us don't want to smell like one. (Nice try, though.)
5. Brag about your driving. This is supposed to let us know that ours isn't so great. If my husband tells me one more time that he's been "accident-free since 1978," I'm going to reach over, grab the wheel and make the car swerve into something, just to shut him up.
6. Be unimpressed by a meal that took a lot of time and trouble. I don't know whose fault this is (Food Network? Julie and Julia?), but every so often we get the idea that it would be fun to make stock and spend the day basting. If the result is less than earth-shattering, say something nice anyway.
7. Buy clothes without trying them on. We know that the second you get into a department store you start to feel faint, but do us a favor and take the extra five minutes. Otherwise, you know who gets stuck with the returns?
8. Know it all, especially in public. Oh, honey. While you're going on at length about whatever it is, we're taking the temperature of the room, and we know everyone's starting to fidget.
9. Say anything remotely critical about our new haircut. Sometimes getting a new cut goes well; sometimes it doesn't. Usually we know the difference. Don't rub it in.
10. Expect a medal for doing a little housework. Umm…it's your house too, right? For now, we'll give you the bronze. Maybe someday, if you work hard enough, you can pick up a gold.
9 Marriage Problems That Are Actually Good for Your Relationship
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Every marriage has its uh-oh moments that leave you questioning your compatibility as a couple. While some behaviors, like cheating, are obvious deal-breakers, other seeming threats can actually have a positive impact on your relationship. Below, nine marital mannerisms that may seem ominous but truly can be good, according to experts. Plus, what to watch out for so things don't go too far.
1. You both fantasize about other people.
"Fantasies are an ancient aphrodisiac," says Iris Krasnow, author of The Secret Lives of Wives: Women Share What It Really Takes to Stay Married. "A vivid imagination allows you to open up to your partner physically and emotionally." So thinking about a sexy neighbor, for example, can improve your marriage—as long as those racy visions stay in your mind. That means leave it out of pillow talk; neither of you needs to know exactly who—or what—the other is thinking about. And don't let daydreams jeopardize the intimacy you feel with your spouse, says Krasnow. "The danger is when fantasy becomes an obsession that overshadows a real relationship."
2. He goes out with the guys.
"Happily married couples have an active life together and dynamic life apart," says Andrea Syrtash, relationship expert and author of Cheat on Your Husband (with Your Husband). "Interests and hobbies outside of marriage feed a person's spirit and help break up routine." Cathy* of Chicago, IL, knows this firsthand from her part-time musician husband. "He goes to band 'practice,' and I put that in quotes because sometimes it's just an excuse to drink beers with the boys." Cathy used to be bothered by it but not anymore. "He always comes home by midnight and answers any questions I have," she says, adding that he's happier and more relaxed the next day. But the real coup: "When I want to do things with my friends—especially now that we have a baby—he'll move mountains for me to be able to do that," she says.
3. You argue a lot.
Fighting isn't necessarily a sign of a broken relationship, says Syrtash. "It means you trust each other enough to share your feelings," she says. The key is arguing without attacking your spouse's character. And when you hear him out out and solve misunderstandings, you're strengthening your bond. Even recurring fights aren't cause for concern. "Couples tend to recycle arguments," says Syrtash. "Identify what you keep arguing about when you're not in the heart of a fight. Try, 'I know you don't like the way I clean the kitchen, but it looks clean to me when I'm done. How can I make you feel better about it?' Listen, and then mention what triggers you and why it's important to you." One caveat: If you're constantly arguing about things that you can't change about each other, like personality traits, you have to decide whether or not you can live with them.
4. He spends a lot of money on his hobbies.
"It's one thing to go to Vegas when you can't make mortgage payments," says Krasnow. "But if the bills are paid and the kids are taken care of, let your husband get new golf clubs or go on a fishing trip." Couples need to feel like they're growing as individuals, and occasional splurges can enhance personal fulfillment. "When two people are happy separately, they have a better shot of going the distance together," says Krasnow.
5. He uses porn.
Porn is a slippery slope, but it doesn't have to mean disaster, says Susan Heitler, PhD, a Denver psychologist and creator of the marriage-skills website PowerofTwoMarriage.com. Couples who are honest about their interest in porn may be able to incorporate it into their sex lives. "Consider using it as a lead-up to the act or to enhance your routine," says Dr. Heitler. It only becomes problematic when porn is used in secret or instead of interaction with a partner. But if he or you use it occasionally when the other's not around, that's okay.
6. He works all the time.
Melissa* from Ft. Lauderdale, FL, was frustrated by her husband's 60-hour workweek. "I felt like a single mom to our two boys," she says. Eventually, though, she realized that even after-work functions were his way of climbing the corporate ladder. "He had to schmooze to market himself. It was his way of showing the company he was willing to do whatever necessary," she points out. He was ultimately made manager, and Melissa says the benefits aren't merely financial: "Because he misses the kids' activities during the week, he devotes entire weekends to building our family bond." If your man is a workhorse, think back to when you first started dating, suggests Syrtash. Chances are, his drive and passion for his job are qualities that initially attracted you to him. But it could be a problem if "work always comes first—ahead of your kid's school play or your anniversary," says Syrtash.
7. You both flirt with other people online.
Between Facebook, Twitter and more, it's easier than ever to reconnect with old flames, says Krasnow. But flirty friendships can be healthy as long as they don't get physical, she notes. "It's a self-esteem boost when men you don't live with find you smart, inspiring and beautiful," she says. When women feel good, they make better moms and wives. But be careful: Virtual relationships lose their innocence when a married person becomes infatuated with someone else. And that obsession can cause someone to mislead their online love interest. "Avoid giving off vibes like you might get a divorce," says Krasnow. "Bashing your husband because you're having a bad day isn't okay. Sending provocative photos is also a bad idea."
8. You're too tired for sex.
"We're all overscheduled," says Syrtash. "It's hard to find time for anything, let alone making love." But the less you do it, the less you'll want to do it: A lack of intercourse causes testosterone levels to drop in both sexes, says Syrtash. Instead of waiting for inspiration to strike, schedule sex. It gives you something to anticipate, explains Syrtash. And have fun with it! Designate Tuesday night as date night—then, send playful texts during the day to fuel the fire.
9. He's close with a female colleague.
Acknowledge that your husband's success on the job may be a direct result of his ability to work well with others. In fact, "your financial stability and social status may depend on this specific office relationship," says Dr. Heitler. While the potential exists for sexual feelings to arise when a man and woman work together, couples can beat the threat by talking openly about their fears. If your man is getting too chummy with his office wife, Dr. Heitler suggests asking him to keep conversations work-specific, stick to public places and avoid alcohol, which can lead to inappropriate behavior.
“What I Wish I Knew Before I Got Divorced”
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Hindsight's 20/20, so there's no one better than ex-wives to tell you what to do (and not to do) if you're going through—or just contemplating—a divorce. Here, real women share what they wish they'd known when they split from their husbands and divorce professionals weigh in on how to combat the most unexpected, yet most common, mistakes they've seen clients make. Rest assured, these 10 lessons can get you through the end of your marriage, both financially and emotionally.
1. It may take a long time to recover—and that's okay. Julie, 50, from Denver, thought she'd be able to handle her divorce. "I'm a strong person, I own my own business and I'm a professional speaker," she says. But she admits she could barely function for a full year after the split. Her divorce recovery classes helped her realize everyone bounces back at their own pace. Psychotherapist Pandora MacLean-Hoover, who's divorced, also suggests finding a therapist who knows firsthand how vulnerable you are. "Therapists who haven't experienced divorce often create false hope," in regards to recovering quickly. "It's important to have support that's educated as well as therapeutic."
2. Choose your counsel wisely. "I used a criminal attorney and got a poor settlement," admits Christine K. Clifford, CEO of Divorcing Divas. On the other hand, a lawyer who's well-versed in family law could get you a better settlement because she knows the state-law nuances and local judges and lawyers, says Jacqueline Newman, a partner at a boutique New York City law firm specializing in divorce. If you and your husband have complicated combined assets, you may need additional pros. Kira Brown, 34, from Phoenix, AZ, owned a business with her ex-husband and wishes she'd also hired a financial planner for help negotiating her settlement.
3. Dig deeply into your joint finances. According to financial analyst Sandy Arons, a divorcee herself, 40% of divorce proceedings are about money. So get as much information as you can about your shared accounts to be well-informed before court. Specifically, "learn all of the online passwords to bank accounts, which accounts had automatic payments and where money is invested, including the names of all accounts, the account numbers and the investment advisors," says Newman. Ask your attorney when and how it's best to gather this info first, though.
4. Figure out your future living expenses ASAP. Your financial well-being should be your top priority, says divorce financial expert and mediator Rosemary Frank. "Raw emotions will heal and legalities will be completed, but the financial impact of poor decisions, or default decisions due to lack of understanding, will last a lifetime," she warns. Step one: Thoroughly understand your current cost of living before the divorce proceedings start. "If you don't know what you'll need in the future, you won't be able to ask for it and you surely won't get it," she says.
5. Anticipate unexpected costs. Even with carefully planning out your future expenses, something surprising may pop up. For example, your husband may be able to boot you from his health insurance plan, leaving you with an added cost of as much as $1,000 per month. Caitlin, 55, from Tarrytown, NY, recommends requesting a one-time payment, separate from alimony. "I asked for, and got, a check 30 days after my husband left," she says. "Too many men dodge their financial responsibilities, so waiting for that first alimony check is unwise. Try to have money available—like $5,000—within days. You'll need it."
6. Trying to hurt your ex usually backfires. Newman says that a client of hers told her husband's boss about his affair with his secretary and ended up getting him fired. "It not only 'showed him;' it also showed the wife—and their children—what life is like on a lower salary," she says. Simply badmouthing your ex is likely to hurt your kids more than your husband, even if you don't think they hear or read what you say. "Anything written online about an ex-spouse will exist forever—when the children are old enough to read," cautions Newman.
7. Being divorced doesn't mean you're a failure, less competent or less desirable. "Divorce used to be something people didn't do, and many considered divorced women to be 'loose' and 'scandalous,'" says two-time divorcee Jennifer Little, PhD, founder of Parents Teach Kids. Some of those stigmas still exist, she says, so remember that divorce doesn't define you. "Divorcing just means that the relationship didn't work out," she says. "You haven't been rejected as a woman or a person, nor are you incompetent at being a wife, a partner, a lover, a friend."
8. The holidays will be harder than you expect. Amanda, 29, from Albuquerque, NM, was married for over six years until her divorce. "I wasn't prepared for the loneliness that accompanied Christmas," she says. "It amplified the concept of a broken home." She wishes she had made plans to see her mother or a friend—or taken a vacation—to take her mind off spending the holiday by herself. So make sure you stay busy during that difficult time of year.
9. Your kids won't tell you how they really feel about the divorce, but their behavior will. "Children feel a sense of responsibility for the breakup no matter how much the parents state it wasn't about them," says marriage and family therapist Lesli M. W. Doares, author of Blueprint for a Lasting Marriage. So monitor your kids' actions to understand how they're dealing. Watch out for little ones regressing in their behavior—acting younger, wanting to sleep in bed with you—or showing anger toward siblings and peers. Adolescents tend to act out by drinking, skipping school or disobeying curfews. To get things back on track, Doares suggests addressing issues as a family so everyone can talk about the changes together. Also, inform your child's teacher of the new situation, but don't automatically put your kid in therapy. "It can leave him feeling stigmatized or reinforce that the divorce is his fault," says Doares, though therapy's a good option if the behavior change is extreme.
10. Divorce can be freeing—and totally worth it. Annie, 47, from Boston, felt like she didn't have any talents, besides caring for her kids, before divorcing in 2007. She now has a blog, PlentyPerfect.com, and sees new directions her life can take. "Divorce can be the beginning of a good next chapter, even if you don't know how the book's going to end," she says. "Maybe you don't know what the options are yet, but they're out there."
Put the Spark Back Into Your Marriage at Any Age
Contrary to popular belief, getting older does not signal the end of your love life—far from it! A 2007 survey from the University of Chicago found that most people between the ages of 57 and 85 consider sex an important part of their life. Not sure if you're one of them? Don't worry—even if you think your desire has gone MIA, it may just be a matter of knowing where to find it. Read on to discover the science behind intimacy and aging—and find out what you can do to bring the sexy back to your relationship.
Sleep often wins out over sex.
When it comes to sex, exhaustion can be a major mood killer. A recent survey found that 41 percent of married women would choose an extra hour of sleep over hanky-panky with their hubby. A screaming baby, work stress, fluctuating hormones or hot flashes can all make shut-eye harder to come by as we hit midlife. If you find yourself dragging through the day, waiting until bedtime to have sex almost guarantees no nookie, says Suki Hanfling, LICSW, certified sex therapist and founder of The Institute for Sexuality & Intimacy in Waltham, Massachusetts. Instead, choose a time when you're more awake, such as in the morning, or on the weekend after a nap.
Dryness isn't a sign of disinterest.
As women enter into perimenopause, they may have a tough time getting or staying lubricated. This can make sex less enjoyable or even painful. According to Stacy Tessler-Lindau, MD, director of the University of Chicago's Program in Integrative Sexual Medicine, it is one of the most common sexual concerns for women over 40. Luckily, it's also very treatable. Estrogen, in the form of hormone replacement therapy, is very effective. If that's not an option, says Dr. Tessler-Lindau, don't be afraid to experiment with silicone- or water-based lubricants.
More sex equals better sex.
Some postmenopausal women may experience vaginal atrophy, a condition that can make vaginal tissue thinner, drier and less elastic, says Hanfling. However, regular sex or masturbation may help keep things supple and moist. "If we don't use our biceps, they become weak. Likewise, if we're not using the pelvic muscles, hips or clitoris, those muscles and organs can get out of shape," explains Dr. Tessler-Lindau. Plus, says marriage therapist Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW, founder of DivorceBusting.com and author of The Sex-Starved Marriage, "If you don't have sex for a long time, it becomes more and more difficult to break the ice. Regular sex, however couples define that, makes being sexual a more natural and comfortable part of the relationship."
Explore what turns you on like it's uncharted territory.
Of course, the sex has to be good for you to crave more of it. If it's not fulfilling, why would you go back for more? asks Weiner-Davis. "The mistake people make is believing that what turned them on when they first met is still accurate. How our bodies need to be stimulated changes with time," she explains. Good sex requires ongoing conversations about what turns each of you on. That means getting in touch with your own needs. "There's no way you can coach your partner if you don't know it yourself," she adds.
It's not all biological.
Don't assume your desire is going to take a nosedive as you get older. Though physical changes in midlife can take the sizzle out of some people's love life, a study from the University of Sheffield found that other factors, like stress or relationship issues, had a greater impact on women's sexual behavior during menopause than biological changes like decreased hormone levels. By assuming a lackluster libido is a natural part of aging, women become less likely to do anything about it. Instead, ask yourself what in your life is out of sync and start there, recommends Hanfling.
Get sweaty outside of the bedroom.
What can take a nosedive as you get older is self-esteem. In a Penn State survey of women between the ages of 35 and 55, 21 percent could not name one body part of theirs that they found attractive. The less appealing a woman felt, the more likely she was to report a decline in sexual desire or activity during the past 10 years. The quickest way to feel better about yourself? Exercise regularly—and not just to get rid of love handles. Physical activity increases feel-good chemicals in the brain, lowers stress and anxiety, and boosts self-esteem. And this, in turn, can lead to a healthier sexual appetite, says Weiner-Davis.
You don't have to be turned on to do the deed.
Another finding from the Penn State survey: Even women who had lost their desire said that when they did have sex, they enjoyed it. So why don't they do it more often? According to Hanfling and Weiner-Davis, women's desire does not always come before sex. While women can have strong sexual urges, usually they need to be aroused before they're in the mood for sex—especially as they get older. This can be tricky for couples who have fallen into a rut, explains Hanfling, because a woman also has to feel like she can say no if, after giving things a go, she's still not in the mood. Her advice: Be open to each other's advances and communicate, in a loving way, what feels good.
Forget the fireworks and embrace the embers.
The newness of a relationship can make you want to rip each other's clothes off. Fast-forward 10 or more years and that sense of novelty and adventure wears off. But just because you don't feel sparks at the mere mention of disrobing doesn't mean your mojo has packed up and left. According to Weiner-Davis, our desire changes as we get older, and we have a hard time recognizing it in its new, often subtler form. "What I tell people is, 'Forget the fireworks. Are there ever times when you feel embers?' A lot of people say yes, but they let it pass. I suggest that when they feel embers, don't let it pass, and really act on it."
Your best aphrodisiac is staying healthy.
Your age is not the best predictor of a robust sex life, says Dr. Tessler-Lindau. Rather, it's your overall health that more accurately determines how much satisfaction you get between the sheets. By doing everything you can to stay healthy now—like not smoking, exercising regularly, eating a heart-healthy diet and maintaining a healthy weight—you may be able to stave off sexual problems as you get older, she says.
Men can have emotional blocks, too.
The chance of erectile dysfunction (ED)—an inability to achieve or maintain an erection—increases with age: 39 percent of 40-year-olds and 65 percent of 65-year-olds report at least occasional erection issues. ED can signal serious health problems, like heart disease or diabetes, so it should be discussed with a doctor to rule them out. What starts as a physiological problem can turn into an emotional one, says Hanfling. A man might develop performance anxiety and avoid having sex. Or, erectile problems could be the result of the same emotional roadblocks that plague women. "We tend to think that a man can tune out everything when he's having sex, but that's just not true," says Weiner-Davis. Her recommendation: Stop criticizing. He needs to be praised and feel supported, just like you do.
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